how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
