My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
