I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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