I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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