in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
