Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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