i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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