My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up under a house in Key West
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
