Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
