He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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