You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
