Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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