I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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