I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
