when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
