I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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