This girl is more easily done than said...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
