tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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