Soap is not a condiment
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
