I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
