When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
