I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
