I accidentally burped into my bong.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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