if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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