i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
