I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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