Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
