Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
