All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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