I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
