I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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