mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
