I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
