I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
