Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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