Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
