I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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