Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
