Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
