You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
