i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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