I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
In America we eat man semen.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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