Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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