my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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