There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
