Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
