Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
