Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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