If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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