My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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